So where have I been?
I imagine that's a question a few have asked, and I apologize for leaving you in the dark. After my road trip ended (it was a short one, even when I planned it due to logistics and finances) I was still feeling... emotionally turbulent? My giddiness was proper giddy like ice cream dripping down a child's arm. My frustrations were dark ocean currents gliding just deep enough under the surface to rip even the most well-balanced person off her feet.
I'm still riding those ups and downs. Some days I wake up with a deep aching in my belly (not related to the menstrual cramps, though that adds a thrilling dimension to the spasms in my gut and pelvis). My head and thought-feelings feel vague and far away like a lost drum beat echoing in some far off canyon. Other mornings my eyes open already set in determination as their vision reaches far beyond the bed I'm sleeping in and the current layer of skin that protects me from losing all my livelihood. Evenings range between bittersweet melancholy that grips my bones and viciously shakes them, to playful laughter and joy peeling from lips raw from truth-telling and truth-seeking.
The search to open, understand, and find the right degree of certainty and grounding is exhausting, yet oddly peaceful in moments. I find myself searching for my answers in the faces of others but inevitably hear the wounded wolf in my soul whimpering and howling for attention and intention.
I hear you, dear beast. I've had to content myself in finding sacredness in not knowing much of anything right now, especially not knowing the future months or days. One day at a time is all I can manage and a quiet part of my heart assures me that this is enough for now.
So where am I? I'm perched on a rickety dock looking out on a wide expanse. The surface hardens and swells like ice and boiling water sliding on top of the other over and over. Underneath these layers are ideas and hazy ghosts not yet completely formed. I've shifted to finding a place to settle for the next year or two, finding means to support myself enough and find some goddamn simplicity. I've a much better sense now of what I need and what my soul craves. The wolf that wants to wander, sniff, and explore, both in solitude and with beloved companions and the spider that searches daily for space to weave stories, create, and express with sweet relish and focused drive.
Expect another post from me this week, to make up for the hiatus. After that I'll return to my Tuesday morning posts. Much love, and much gratitude for this life and for the chance to just feel vividly and unashamedly.